DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
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Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*