[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
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Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then