Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
You Might Also Like
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.