promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
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doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Florida man
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Straight people are cancelled
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes