why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
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I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
what the hell pray for carter everyone
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.