How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
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I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.