I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
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The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing