My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
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Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
PER MY LAST EMAIL
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?