Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
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God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”