Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
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I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
synchronized noseblowing
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!