Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
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My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Kids, do not try this at home!
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*