Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
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Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
my sentiments exactly
Only short people can save us
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.