My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
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me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*