Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
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breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016