[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
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No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.