Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
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They also CAN sing✌️
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor