To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
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friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.