Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
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Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.