[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
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Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.