My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
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keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
No Google it does not
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
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There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Yes, this is exactly right
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.