“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
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It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Legend 🤣🤣
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.