I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
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there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Natural selection at its finest
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
It was worth a shot 😂
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…