please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
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My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.