I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
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Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly