Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
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[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking