I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
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Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.