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Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear