EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
You Might Also Like
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.