Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
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Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I have literally never stopped thinking about this