When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
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Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
I don’t hate children, just yours.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”