just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
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Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
damn he’s good
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Optional boss fight.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.