Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
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God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
This is amazing.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Incredible customer service.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.