me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
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The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Ghost costume 😂
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.