*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
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Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower