Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
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Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
#math
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
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Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
looks legit