My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
You Might Also Like
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Growing out my freckles.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
A bold strategy
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night