Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
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Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Last-minute gift idea!
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.