*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
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Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.