Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
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My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
necessity is the mother of invention
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…