5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
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If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*