How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
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Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Yeah. This was me today.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!