I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
You Might Also Like
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.