We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
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I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Animal poetry
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
the three branches of government
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.