mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
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Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet