A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
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I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
DOOO EEEET
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that