Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
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Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer