If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
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If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
*cough*
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.