Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
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When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”