I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
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*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Cool shirt 🙂
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…