What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
You Might Also Like
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about